Mike Brady – Architect

It’s probably 40 years too late, but I would like to take a minute to honor the greatest architect of the 20th century – Mike Brady.

No comprehensive list of modern and influential architects could ever be fully complete without extolling the amazing gifts and talents of Mike Brady.

The astounding feat that Mike was able to achieve while still playing father to his 3 boys, 3 adopted girls, and at least 6 additional children with Alice the housekeeper, is truly a testament to this man’s astonishing abilities.

While the modern architect possesses a vast knowledge of mechanics, structural integrity and mathematics, Mike Brady took it to a whole new level.

In the early 1960s, Mike began fiddling with temporal displacement. Mike reasoned that if he could construct a 2,000 square foot home in this world, why not extend the home an additional 2,000 square feet into another world or dimension.

And so he tried.

In 1968, he succeeded and built what is now referred to as the Brady Bunch home.

And what’s so special and time warping about this simple San Fernando Valley home?

Let me explain.

Pretend you arrive at the Brady house at 7:00 PM to pick up Jan for a date. Yes, most of your friends would have probably asked out Marcia instead, but you took the Herpes rumors a little more seriously than the rest of the football team.

As you stand on the front porch and glance up and to the left, you notice the two-story portion of the home. Keep this in mind.

So you knock on the door, Alice answers, and invites you into the living room. While you wait for Jan to come downstairs, you engage in an impromptu make-out session with Alice, who as it turns out is quite good with her hands, and smells like bacon – a winning combination.

Ten minutes later, you move aside Alice’s droopy breasts, and notice Jan coming happily down the stairs, making this the second happy ending in the past ten minutes.

And it’s at this very moment, at this particular time,  that you realize something is VERY wrong.

The very fabric of time has been shifted!

If you had just come in the front doors, the two-story portion of the house should still be to the left of you. But it’s not!

The sorcerer Brady has shifted the entire fabric of time, and moved the two story portion of the house to the right.

When you were outside, the two story part of the house was on the left. But when you’re inside, the two story part is on the right. Witches!

You become lightheaded as you realize you are actually straddling two dimensions, sitting on the very precipice of time itself.

You stand up, dumping a half-naked Alice onto the floor. You turn to Jan, a confused look on your face, as you feel the blade slide into your back. You drop to the floor, bleeding profusely.

Jan stands above you laughing manically. You begin to lose consciousness, which is a good thing as the last image burned into your brain is a naked Sam the butcher coming toward you with a meat cleaver and a serving tray.