My New Children’s Book

I met with my editor on Friday, and these were the take-a-way notes for my newest children’s book:

The words “lube” and “chipmunk” should not appear in the same sentence, let alone as the opening line from Chapter 1.

The local spelling bee you described in Chapter 2 should not end with Charlie Sheen bludgeoning a bathroom attendant.

Tread lightly when mentioning “circus clowns”, or for that matter, any type of “clown”, as sometimes they can be scary to children. Having 15 of them crammed into a bathroom stall at a McDonalds in San Francisco, is not a good plot point (see Chapter 3).

While it is admirable that you chose to explore same-sex parenting in Chapter 4, I suggest you remove the mom-on-mom, light saber/lingerie scene from the middle of the chapter.

The dog park chapter needs to be removed entirely.

Regarding Chapter 6 – While it is appropriate in the book Peter Pan, for Mr. Smee to exclaim, “I need boys- for Pleasure island!”, the rubber duck in your bathtub scene should not exclaim, “I like to watch!”

The superhero alter ego from Chapter 7 should not be named the Anti-Vaccine Avenger.

Chapter 8 -Creating your own vegetable garden, while touching, has a grammatical error in the title. It should be Jimmy gets a hoe, not Jimmy gets a ho’.

Chapter 9 – Clifford the Big Red Dog, while it has crossed our minds on occasion, we did not need the illustration on page 32. We know dogs poop. The bulldozer was an unnecessary piece of the illustration.

Chapter 10 – Winnie the Pooh got his head stuck in the hole.

Chapter 11 – Why is daddy in prison? We need the backstory.

In Chapter 12, consider describing Heather’s mommy with the phrase, tranquil blue eyes, and not Vicodin-enhanced blue orbs.

Chapter 13, Dealing with Hepatitis C, is not a good way to close out the book.


  1. Brit93 says:

    Funny. Funny. Funny.

  2. LOLCatsEatBrains says:


  3. NicoleBell says:

    My sister wants to know why I’m cracking up at the table where we are eating breakfast.

  4. WildBill65 says:

    Dude. This was an 11. ROTFLMAO.

  5. 2damax says:

    Chapter 8. HA!!!

  6. MikeL says:

    The Charlie Sheen bit was hysterical. I’m still laughing.

  7. Hmmm………………..methinks I would need to be very careful if I want to read this to the students here in Southfield!! They just might become Junior Steve Margolises!!!!!

    1. stevemargolis says:

      Better a junior ME, then a junior TRUMP.

  8. Stewie11 says:

    Well Fatman, this is quite funny. Rupert wet himself after reading it. Well done, sir!

  9. Lindsaycakes says:

    OMG! I’m embarrassed to say I can’t stop laughing. I wonder what was in the dog park chapter? Can you post it next week as a “bonus”?

  10. Gregg says:

    Twisted and sick and funny as hell.

  11. LincolnJ says:

    I REALLY thought you wrote a children’s book. You lied to me. HA!
    I think you’re now qualified to be press secretary for the White House.

    1. Cassie_girl says:

      Yep. Get rid of Sean Spicer, and you take over Steve. And try to work the word “integrity” into a news conference. or “lube”. Whichever works better.

  12. Grant says:


  13. Ryandog says:

    I’d read it to the kids in my Bible study class.

  14. TheRealSheldonCooper says:

    Is Chapter 12 from the book Heather’s Two Mommys? Cause I’ve read that. That needs a light sabre / lingerie scene badly.

    1. Amy F F says:

      You’re my boyfriend, but you’re a pig.

  15. PityPang09 says:

    My rubber duck is no longer welcome in the tub. 🙂

  16. Iceman68 says:

    Wow. The PC police are gonna be after your ass. Gonna give it a 10 though.

  17. Madhat says:

    HA! Triple L. Lesbians, lingerie, and lightsabers.

  18. Larry says:

    You got me. I subscribed to your blog!


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