Miss me?

I’ve been a bad boy. I haven’t written a new blog post since July of 2016.

Now, in my defense, I did have a presidential campaign to run. Unfortunately, I chose Yogi Bear as my running mate to capture the Jellystone demographic, but when he was arrested for solicitation, my campaign went downhill from there.

But I’m back. Better writing, better humor, and better weed.

I’m going to do my best to post once a week (same as my showering schedule), cut down on the clown porn, and stop purchasing Trump branded merchandise.

So here’s to a great 2017.

Here’s to staying positive, and testing negative.
Here’s to being the type of people our dogs think we are.
Here’s to not cursing so fucking much.
Here’s to being more assertive (if it’s ok with you guys).

Below is my first blog post for 2017:

My first novel, Future Fortune, will be available in February. It will drop as an eBook, a paperback, and later in the year, an Audible. I’m really excited about it.

I’ll be curious to see how it does. The Toaster Oven Mocks Me is doing exceptionally well. Thank you for your support!

Future Fortune is a time travel story, and it required a ton of research. When you think of a time travel story like Back to the Future, it’s not that difficult to describe or relate-to the 1950s. It wasn’t that long ago. But for my book, I went back a lot farther than that, and it required me to learn the proper language, customs, and events, to make the whole thing sound plausible.

One of the elements in my story is a steamboat. After three months of research, I now consider myself a steamboat expert. That’s not a joke. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m probably an 8 now. I can tell you the most popular engine types on the various rivers, and I can tell you the burn times for numerous types of wood.

And all this research got me thinking about all the weird stuff I had to investigate in order to make the book believable.

About the same, the writer’s forum I belong to asked a similar question- What’s the strangest thing you ever researched for a book?

Here are some of my favorite answers:

Whether a penis would stay erect right after being skewered by a monster.
What does human flesh taste like?
How fast a dynamite fuse burns.
The storage capacity of an adult diaper.
Animal cognition and intelligence, specifically in reptiles.
The internal workings of the original sewage system in London.
The radius of a dog’s sense of smell.
How long a human heart continues to beat when it’s ripped out of a man’s chest.
Quantity of elephant urine in a single pee.
What was a Sumerian field hand’s yearly wage 5,000 years ago?
What is the smallest, lightest, .350 caliber pistol that could be hidden in a bra?

Needless to say, I felt much better about myself and my writing career after reading what other people are researching.

Written by stevemargolis



Fatman! You are back! Brian and Rupert will be delighted! Funny post today. I like the elephant urine research. Glad to have you back. Looking forward to the book and more posts!


HI Steve, welcome back. Great post to start out with. I can’t wait to read the book!!!!


Welcome back stranger……………and I do mean stranger. I missed having you make me laugh every Saturday. I am so happy you are back. I’m on the list for the book!


I’m glad you’re back. I really did miss having something pleasant to read each week. I’ll be buying your book the day it comes out. And I will be nominating you for president in 2020.


Found your site a few months ago and it cracks me up. I’ll have to look into this Toaster book of yours. And the new one too.


It was like Schrodinger’s cat. You hadn’t posted for so long I was wondering if you were alive or dead but I was afraid to open the box. Now I know for sure. DEAD!
Welcome back.


I would be curious to see some of these books when they are complete. The research is strange.
Welcome back.


Touche, Iceman68.
Hi Steve. Glad you’re back to set us straight. I am dying to read your book. I have already had all my family members read your Toaster Oven Mocks Me book.


Especially the adult diaper part. They are shoveling a lot in Washington these days.

Blue Bear

It’s about time! Hope you enjoyed your vacation…now get back to work! Great post, by the way. You’re in rare form, as always. 😀


Hi Steve. Welcome back. Can’t wait for more stupid posts. HA! They make my day happy.


Great post. Writers are a whole different breed. It is amazing what goes on in their heads.


I’m trying to understand the first one. Penis skewer? You know that person has a Craig’s List ad. Hehehehe.


Your post is great. The best. I can’t wait for the book. I wrote a book. It was great. It was the best. No one writes better books than I do. Welcome back. Come to my inauguration. I have tickets. Many tickets. A great many tickets.


I came to your site to read a post on building a lightsaber. I read some of the other posts and they are hilarious. You are a twisted dude.


Funny post. I read the Toaster Oven Mocks Me at Christmas time and thought it was great. funny and sad at the same time. I will certainly read your next book.

Euni Rose

Listen here, Cuz Steve!! I cannot sit here laughing hysterically when I’m supposed to get ready to read to second graders within the hour!!! So don’t be so darn funny anymore!!!!!!!!


I work at a publishing house and some of the topics that come through the door would blow you away. But these are still pretty twisted.


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