I’ve been a bad boy. I haven’t written a new blog post since July of 2016.
Now, in my defense, I did have a presidential campaign to run. Unfortunately, I chose Yogi Bear as my running mate to capture the Jellystone demographic, but when he was arrested for solicitation, my campaign went downhill from there.
But I’m back. Better writing, better humor, and better weed.
I’m going to do my best to post once a week (same as my showering schedule), cut down on the clown porn, and stop purchasing Trump branded merchandise.
So here’s to a great 2017.
Here’s to staying positive, and testing negative.
Here’s to being the type of people our dogs think we are.
Here’s to not cursing so fucking much.
Here’s to being more assertive (if it’s ok with you guys).
Below is my first blog post for 2017:
My first novel, Future Fortune, will be available in February. It will drop as an eBook, a paperback, and later in the year, an Audible. I’m really excited about it.
I’ll be curious to see how it does. The Toaster Oven Mocks Me is doing exceptionally well. Thank you for your support!
Future Fortune is a time travel story, and it required a ton of research. When you think of a time travel story like Back to the Future, it’s not that difficult to describe or relate-to the 1950s. It wasn’t that long ago. But for my book, I went back a lot farther than that, and it required me to learn the proper language, customs, and events, to make the whole thing sound plausible.
One of the elements in my story is a steamboat. After three months of research, I now consider myself a steamboat expert. That’s not a joke. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m probably an 8 now. I can tell you the most popular engine types on the various rivers, and I can tell you the burn times for numerous types of wood.
And all this research got me thinking about all the weird stuff I had to investigate in order to make the book believable.
About the same, the writer’s forum I belong to asked a similar question- What’s the strangest thing you ever researched for a book?
Here are some of my favorite answers:
Whether a penis would stay erect right after being skewered by a monster.
What does human flesh taste like?
How fast a dynamite fuse burns.
The storage capacity of an adult diaper.
Animal cognition and intelligence, specifically in reptiles.
The internal workings of the original sewage system in London.
The radius of a dog’s sense of smell.
How long a human heart continues to beat when it’s ripped out of a man’s chest.
Quantity of elephant urine in a single pee.
What was a Sumerian field hand’s yearly wage 5,000 years ago?
What is the smallest, lightest, .350 caliber pistol that could be hidden in a bra?
Needless to say, I felt much better about myself and my writing career after reading what other people are researching.