I saw an advertisement the other day asking me if I’d like to be frozen.

Hey that sounds like fun, I thought. I got a few hours to kill. Why not?

As it turns out, it had nothing to do with the movie Frozen, and even less to do with that Elsa threesome I had been hoping for.

However, the website was quite interesting. Here’s the scoop:

If you die of a terrible disease like cancer, heart disease, or scurvy (Pirates only), this company will put you on ice for a century or two.

Well not so much ice, as liquid nitrogen or liquid helium.

They put you in a big steel urn, lock the lid down tight, and fill the container with stuff so cold you’d think you were on a date with Taylor Swift. Then they use a forklift to put you on the top shelf of a refrigerated warehouse. And there you stay for the next 200 years.

The company says they’ll keep you frozen until a cure can been found.

It sounds too good to be true. Imagine, 100 years from now when they find a cure for cancer, they can pop you in a giant microwave, set it to POPCORN mode, and thaw you out in just a few hours. All warm and toasty for the doctors of the 22rd century.

I’m not buying this whole freezing thing, and here’s why.

Dead is dead.

Period.

It’s 2015 and no one has come back from the dead yet.

No one.

Don’t believe the stories you see on TV, the Internet, or Fox News.

It’s BS.

We’ve all read stories about the anonymous woman on the operating table, heart stops beating for 4 minutes, but miraculously, she comes back to life.

Back to life? She wasn’t dead!

There’s a reason they call these type of events near-death.

It’s because you’re not dead. You’ve only stopped by the afterlife for a quick chat with your recently deceased relatives, and quite possibly a Cosmo with the Devil.

SAFETY TIP: Stay away from the bright light.

Every story about someone coming back from the dead is a near-death experience.

Someone almost drowns, but is resuscitated a few moments later…that’s near-death.

Someone has a heart attack, but survives relatively unscathed…that’s near-death.

Two hours at the Ice Capades. Near-death.

It’s not TRUE death.

So freezing someone after they die, and keeping them chilled like a shrimp cocktail for 100 years until medical science can help them, is wishful thinking.

They’re dead.

Now, if you really want to try out this cryogenic theory, freeze someone while they’re still alive.

Yeah.

Turn them into a human popsicle for 5-7 years and then revive them. If you can do that, then I’ll sign up for long term storage.

Freezing someone while they’re still alive technically means they’re not yet dead. The person is simply in a state of frozenness.

This theory is MUCH more plausible than freezing someone AFTER they’re dead.

Problem is, no one is volunteering.

Well Gary Busey did, but even he came to his senses.

At least if you’re frozen while you’re still alive, you have a CHANCE.

But if they freeze you AFTER you die, I hate to break it to you, you’re going to be a human Otter Pop for eternity, or until the business goes bankrupt and the power company shuts of the electricity.

Either way, you’re screwed.

Don’t waste your money. Follow my example and have your coffin made out of Tupperware with a snap-tite lid.

That’s all you need to stay moist and farm-fresh for the foreseeable future.

Written by stevemargolis

21 Comments

Redkitten

You had me going for a while there. I thought it was really a medical article.

Reply
Atomic Samurai

The people on the train are staring at me because I am laughing so hard.

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Emily

I have always wondered about this. Even though this post was a crackup, you made some good points.

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9th Element

I wonder of they have tried freezing a test subject while they were still alive yet. Not a person, but a rat or something.

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The RealSheldonCooper

I agree wholeheartedly with your postulation. I say we test it on Koothrapali and Wolowitz immediately.
Bazinga!

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Erica

I thought the whole Tupperware thing was pretty funny. Why not zip lock bags instead?

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Pirate1

Avast! As a member of the pirate class, I resents ye poking fun at scurvy. Me parrot died of scurvy only last year. Quick burial at sea, along with cat who swallowed him. Arggh.

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MIkeT

Pirate1, you sound like a special pirate who works on a short yellow ship. HA! The article was interesting though. You made a good point about testing it on someone who is alive.

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Nimbus

Never gave the whole dead thing much thought until now. You make sense. The time to test it would be before someone kicks.

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Ted's Head

Yeah. Why didn’t someone tell me? I am going to spend eternity in a bowling bag.

Reply

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