Below is a scene from an unproduced Bewitched episode. Enjoy.

 

 EXT-STEPHEN’S HOUSE-DAY

A car pulls up in front of the Stephen’s home. LARRY TATE, Darren’s boss, is driving. Darren hops out of the passenger side with his briefcase. He leans back in through the passenger window and kisses Larry passionately.

DARREN

See you tomorrow, Larry.

LARRY

Remember Darren, we have a foursome tomorrow

with the client. We might even have time

to play some golf later in the afternoon.

DARREN

(laughing)

You go, girl!

Larry drives off. Darren walks into his house.

INT-STEPHEN’S HOUSE-LIVING ROOM-DAY

As he walks through the door, Samantha is rolling around on the floor naked with a creature who looks a lot like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

DARREN

What the hell Sam? I thought we talked about this?

He puts down his briefcase.

DARREN (con’t)

Or have you forgotten the yeast infection he gave

you last time?

Samantha and the Doughboy stand up. Samantha kisses him goodbye, and TWITCHES him away. She walks over to Darren and gropes and kisses him.

SAMANTHA

I just can’t help it Darren. He smells like home-made biscuits.

DARREN

(thoughtfully)

Yeah, he does, doesn’t he?

(sternly)

But Sam, we talked about this. What if the neighbors

had seen you?

SAMANTHA

Mrs. Kravitz? Oh please. Banging the Pillsbury Doughboy

is peanuts next to what that woman is into.

DARREN

Ewww. I don’t think I want to know. Is dinner ready yet?

 SAMANTHA

I’m just about ready to serve it. Make yourself a drink

and I’ll call you when it’s ready.

DARREN

Thanks Honey.

He kisses Samantha for a really long time.

DARREN (con’t)

You taste like you swallowed a stick of butter.

SAMANTHA

Well…something like that.

Samantha disappears into the kitchen while Darren makes a drink at the bar. The DOORBELL rings. Darren answers it.

DARREN

Oh hi, Mrs. Kravitz. What can I do for you?

Mrs. Kravitz steps into the hallway. She is squirming uncomfortably. There is a loud VIBRATING sound coming from beneath her dress.

MRS. KRAVITZ

Hi Mr. Stephens. I was wondering if I could borrow your

plumbing snake?

DARREN

Oh sure Mrs. Kravitz. You have a clogged sink?

MRS. KRAVITZ

Sure. Why not?

Mrs. Kravitz begins to follow Darren into the house but stops short as we realize a large extension cord running up under her dress has pulled taunt.

Darren looks at her and the cord.

MRS. KRAVITZ (con’t)

Doctor’s orders.

Darren rolls his eyes.

DARREN

Sure. Why not?

(beat)

Let me get you the snake. Be right back.

Darren heads out to the garage. We hear an exceptionally LOUD VIBRATION from under Mrs. Kravitz’s dress.

EXT-STEPHEN’S HOUSE-PORCH-DAY

Mrs. Kravitz walks onto the front porch. She yells toward her house.

MRS. KRAVITZ

Abner, bring the car battery upstairs.

And don’t forget the jumper cables.

She walks back inside.

INT-STEPHEN’S HOUSE-LIVING ROOM-DAY

Darren returns and hands the snake to Mrs. Kravitz.

DARREN

Here you are Mrs. Kravitz.

MRS. KRAVITZ

Thank you Mr. Stephens. I’ll wash it before I

bring it back.

DARREN

Thank you Mrs. Kravitz. That would be nice for

a change. The Health Department quarantined us

for a month after you returned our croquet set.

Mrs. Kravitz picks up the extension cord slack and EXITS. Darren closes the door and heads to the kitchen.

DARREN

(to Samantha O.S.)

So Sam, how DID you end up with a

mouth full of butter?

Written by stevemargolis

17 Comments

Redkitten

OMG! What did you do to my favorite show? You have tarnished Samantha and Darrin forever for me

Reply
Dena

Now every time I watch this show I will think of Samantha rolling around on the floor with the Pillsbury Dough boy. Thanks. Thanks a lot. 🙄

Reply
Lindsay

I think Roger Sterling in Mad Men was based on Larry Tate. They were both even grey haired. I smell a lawsuit. :mrgreen:

Reply
TheRealSheldonCooper

Very funny; To the point that you are beginning to frighten me more than Howard. 😛

Reply
Nimbus

Ok. So Samantha bangs the Pillsbury Doughboy and ends up with a mouth full of butter? That is wrong on soooooooooooo many levels. 😯 Please post more!

Reply
Euni Rose

Okay, I just picked myself up off the floor ’cause I collapsed in hysterics!! I am so proud of my loony cousin!!!!!

Reply
Brit93

The Doughboy sounds like quite the player AND he doesn’t’ go in for safe sex. Samantha is such a slut.

Reply
Stewie11

Well Fatman this is pretty funny. I think you should have your own nostalgia segment on SNL where you lampoon beloved TV shows. The only thing missing from the above script is some hot witch on witch action. 😯

Reply

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