The other night I was watching Real Time with Bill Maher and Bill told the story of Representative Scott DesJarlais, a pro-life, family values republican, who was recently reelected in Tennessee.

That’s not the surprising part.

The surprising part is he had an affair with a patient when he was practicing medicine, and then he hounded her to have an abortion. On top of that, his ex-wife told the media that he badgered her to have two abortions.

So I’m listening to this story and laughing my ass off at just how hypocritical and pathetic most republican politicians really are – and then I wondered if I was ignoring the democrats.

Maybe they were just as messed up, and I was looking the other way.

So I did some research on Saturday, which in reality meant I surfed the web on my iPad while watching TV and doing bong hits.

My research found that democrats behave just as badly as republicans, but they’re not hypocritical about it.

Bill Clinton didn’t go around preaching about marital fidelity.

Anthony Weiner didn’t go on a crusade to stop the propagation of dick pics while texting.

But republicans…well…I think they live by the adage “Do as I say, not as I do.

Here’s a few republican examples I found:

Senator Strom Thurmond (R-SC) spent the first 50 years of his political career fighting racial integration and any type of racial equality. After he died, we found out he had fathered a daughter with a 16 year old black girl who worked for his parents.

Excuse: He told his parents “his dick had fallen into the wrong hole on the way to the Klan rally.”

Both Senator John Ensign (R-NV) and Newt Gingrich (R-GA) both called for Clinton’s impeachment while each was having an affair.

Excuse: Newt Gingrich told constituents that he and his wife “had an open marriage”. Of course, when you think hot sex and open marriage you don’t think George Clooney, you think Newt Gingrich.

Representative Mark Foley (R-FL) supported antigay legislation and did his best to protect children by chairing the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children. He resigned in 2006 after he was caught sexting with underage male congressional pages.

Excuse: He didn’t know they were underage. He thought all 25 year-olds watched SpongeBob Squarepants before taking a nap.

Representative Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) was dead-set against socialized medicine and ObamaCare, but she was perfectly content to let her husband Marcus use public funds to allow his clinic, Bachmann & Associates to treat homosexuality by “praying the gay away”.

Excuse: Um. Well. Pray for him. 

Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) was arrested for lewd conduct in a bathroom after soliciting sex from an undercover male officer in a bathroom stall. Craig supported ALL anti-gay legislation.

Excuse: He told law enforcement officials that “his foot must have wandered under the stall wall”. Yep. I know when I’m in the bathroom, the first thing I do is spread out and relax. I make sure both feet are extended fully into the next stall.

And of course, Mitt Romney – who developed a very successful health care system in Massachusetts. It was so good in fact, that when President Obama decided to take it national, Romney actually came out against it.

How sad is that?

Written by stevemargolis

6 Comments

Euni Rose

Okay, Cousin. Enough is enough! I had to pick myself up off the floor ’cause I was laughing so hard I fell down, BOOM!
Okay, I’m better now; I am coherent enough to say this is your best one yet!

Reply
Aniket

I agree! The only difference between republicans and democrats is that the republicans will leave you with nothing. The democrats will at least leave you some bread crumbs.

Reply
Frootloops

Not anymore. Congress doesn’t leave anything for anyone. They come in, suck things dry, and then move on to consulting work. It is the American way.

Reply
Pitypang09

In public bathrooms, I always put one leg into each of the adjacent stalls. I’m flexible that way.

Reply
TheRealSheldonCooper

The Mark Foley story has to be the worst. There has to be something fundamentally wrong with you to behave like that. It’s like when Howard eats bacon for breakfast. Bazinga!

Reply

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