Earlier this week I watched an interview with Gene Wilder. While he talked about many of my favorite movies such as Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, and Silverstreak, he also went off on Tim Burton’s remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
I have to agree. The original was much better.
But that got me thinking. Who would I have cast in the remake, and how would my choices affect the movie?
Here are some of my casting choices and revised plots:
Dick Cheney as Willy Wonka – The movie opens deep inside the chocolate factory where we find Willy Wonka hunting his favorite quarry – human beings – or more specifically, Charlie Bucket. Poor Charlie is later shot in the face and dumped in the chocolate river by a drunken Wonka. There are frequent waterboarding scenes as Oompa Loompas are questioned regarding their loyalty to Wonka. Rating: B-
Charlie Sheen as Charlie Bucket – After returning the Everlasting Gobstopper to Wonka and subsequently being handed the keys to the chocolate factory, Charlie takes over as the head of Wonka Enterprises. Three years later, Charlie has changed the name of the choclate factory to Wankers, and we learn the factory has been transformed into the porn capital of the confectionary world. His series Oompa Loompas Gone Wild has made him rich beyond his wildest dreams. Winning! Rating: B+
Miley Cyrus as Willow Wonka – While the chocolate factory is still quite efficient and profitable, things have changed. All employees are required to be completely naked at all times, and the two 15-minute breaks have been replaced by hourly twerking sessions. (Watch for Dad, Billy Ray, in a cameo as Augustus Gloop.) With the profits from her successful chocolate factory, Willow has been able to pursue her dreams of becoming a porn star with such hits as Mountains of Montana, Handy Montana, On Golden Blonde, and The Da Vinci Load. Rating: C+
Mel Gibson as Willy Wonka – The chocolate factory has been moved to the former site of the Dachau Concentration Camp where Willy, along with his father, have turned the chocolate empire into an enormous Pizza parlor which for some unexplained reason has way too many ovens. Watch for cameos from your favorite convicted war criminals. Rating: F
Justin Bieber as Charlie Bucket – Charlie has left the chocolate factory intact, but has added a 30-car garage to house his massive collection of expensive vehicles. Selena Gomez is held captive in the Inventing Room and most of the Oompa Loompas have been reassigned as personal bodyguards to Charlie.
After his Ferrari crashes into a day care center in a quiet neighborhood, Charlie is pulled from the wreckage by an angry mob of former NFL players. Charlie is held down while the mob glues an ugly bowling shirt to his chest – he’ll never be able to remove his shirt again. Selena is rescued and pens a tell-all book about her abduction. Later, the California Highway Patrol reports an abnormally high incidence of speeding tickets issued to orange gentlemen driving expensive cars. Rating: A-
Amanda Bynes as Wilhelmina Wonka – A classic twist on the original story as we find Willy Wonka has been shot and killed by his psychotic half-sister, Wilhelmina, a former child star gone bad. After the original Board of Directors die in a strange and unexplained fire, Wilhelmina appoints all new board members including, Gary Busey, Courtney Love, Lindsay Lohan, Snookie, and Paula Abdul. The Wonka empire later collapses when Wilhelmina is arrested and charged with Loopma trafficking and numerous health code violations. She is briefly held under California’s 5150 provision before being indicted. Rating: A