Judgment Day Is Upon Me

Well, it’s just about time for me to send out query letters for my new book.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the painful methodology for selling a book, let me compare it to having your wisdom teeth pulled without anesthetic, while simultaneously having your lower extremities consumed by flesh-eating bacteria.

It’s like a Justin Bieber concert without the luxury of earplugs and eye protection.

It’s like thinking no one knows I’m high, as you slow dance with your dog in the kitchen.

It’s that bad, and that frustrating, or so I’m told. I’m hoping to be the exception.

The first step for me will be to send out query letters to literary agents and see if any of them are interested in representing me and my book.

A query letter is basically a sales pitch that explains what the book is about, why it will sell, and why I’m the best person to write it. Extraordinary writing is the key here.

The query is the first impression, and it needs to be perfect. It needs to simple, effective, and to the point; keeping extraneous information to a minimum is important – the agent does not need to know that I frequently sit on the passenger side of the car and drive with a paper plate.

The rule of thumb is to send out 100 queries, and as a new writer, expect to get 2-4 replies. These are just replies, not an offer to represent me.

The prospective agent will then ask for a few sample chapters and a book proposal. If the agent is impressed, he/she might agree to represent me. If not, I will receive a rejection notice, wrapped around a brick, and thrown through my front window.

So come mid-March, I should have some idea of whether or not the past few years of writing a book was worth the effort.


  1. Good luck! I better be on the list of beta testers!

  2. Is this a book about band camp?

  3. I have only seen chapter one, but I laughed my butt off! I think it is very funny.

  4. Did Heather Locklear sign a release form for chapter 16? :-0

  5. Mark C says:

    Good luck!!!

  6. The end of the world really is here! J/K. Keep us up to date and good luck!

  7. Fractured10 says:

    Dude, good luck with the book. If it bombs you can always do porn. :mrgreen:

  8. Laurie says:

    Way to go Steve!! I can’t wait to read it!

  9. Its going up on my shelf next to Hop on Pop and Mein Kampf 😆

  10. Cathy says:

    Oh, I soooooooo want to read this. Good luck with the search!

  11. Chris says:

    Which gas stations will be selling it? 😀
    I’m in. Put me down for one.

  12. I want one!

  13. Let us know if you sell it! 💡

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