Sick Day

So you woke up sick today. No, the real kind of sick. Not the I just came home from a rave with blurred vision, profuse sweating, sore butt, and a dollar bill pinned to my collar.

No. I’m talking about a legitimate cold or a genuine case of the flu.

It’s 4 AM, and work is only a few hours away. Do you call in sick, or do you drag your cadaver of a body into the office for eight hours of adrenaline-pumping action around the copy machine?

The answer for most of America – you go to work.

We’ve all had to sit next to someone in the office who is coughing up large clumps of green phlegm and sneezing so violently that the ceiling tiles are dropping like geese through a jet engine. The question is, should sick people really be coming to work?

The way I see it, the answer is NO.

Someone who comes in sick is probably not hitting on all eight-cylinders anyway, so they are making poor decisions and creating even more work for the office drones, who thanks to the exposure from your case of chicken pox, will ultimately collapse several days from now while in line at a McDonald’s drive-thru.

Sadly, there is a very real threat that this sick person will infect the entire office with a cold, flu, or a virus that will eventually trigger the zombie apocalypse. This creates a vicious circle of mistakes, lost productivity, and missing office supplies, all because people felt the need to come into work sick.

My advice: stay home and drink plenty of alcohol. Alcohol is good for bugs. Maybe spend some time surfing the internet to diagnose your symptoms, even though we all know the inevitable diagnosis will be terminal cancer or possibly ringworm.

Stay home. Watch reruns of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Relax. Hopefully, you’ll be back to your low-paying, stress-inducing job in no time.

It’s the American way.

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