Yesterday, I received several comments on my recent blog where I posted some old photographs of the Back to the Future sets.

One of the comments was how cool would it have been if Marty and Doc had travelled back to the time of Robin Hood.

Ok. Let’s give it a try.

 

Draft 1

After an exhausting layover at a bathhouse in San Francisco, and what was apparently enough Ecstasy to kill a full-grown African elephant, Marty and Doc take the DeLorean back to the 1400s , to Loxley, and the time of Robin Hood.

Marty and Doc crash land in Sherwood Forest and after hiding the DeLorean and doing several lines of coke, wander around the forest looking for some type of food or shelter. Luckily, they stumble upon a local resident who invites them back to his cottage, where they dine on a healthy dinner of MLT (mutton, lettuce, tomato – Miracle Max’s recipe) and a delightful Ipocrase wine – sweetened and highly spiced with “ginger, synamon, sugour, and turesoll”. Mmmm. Delicious.

About 4 hours later both Doc and Marty come down with projectile vomiting, diarrhea, and dehydration. It seems someone forgot to tell Doc and Marty that the food in the 1400s is a bit different than the food in 2012.

The various microbes, bacteria, feces, and viruses wreak havoc on their digestive systems, and less than two weeks later, they die from what could only be described as a horrific and drawn-out illness.  Their bodies are subsequently hacked into small pieces and served at a coming out party for Little John several days later.

 

Draft 2

After attending a Justin Bieber concert with fellow fans Adam Lambert and Elton John, Doc and Marty decide to cram everyone into the DeLorean and head to West Hollywood for cappuccinos. Unfortunately, after a high speed chase with the paparazzi, where speeds reached in excess of 88 mph, the DeLorean vanished.

The DeLorean has crash landed in Sherwood Forest. After swinging open the doors and running outside, Elton and Adam are killed by the local sword-wielding population of the forest. Unable to understand medieval English, Marty decides the best course of action is to try to reason with the people and gain their trust.

After an unsuccessful sword swing nearly decapitates him, Marty pulls a Glock from under his jacket and proceeds to mow down 7 of the 12 sword-wielding gentlemen, à la Indiana Jones. The remaining men drop their swords (and a substantial amount of urine) and flee the scene.  Doc and Marty are able to escape through the countryside entering a small hamlet just outside of Nottinghamshire.

Not wanting a repeat of Draft 1, Marty and Doc are careful to consume only the crab cakes, veggies rolls, and Fiji Water that they had swiped from the green room at the Justin Bieber concert. Marty and Doc are still not able to communicate with the locals and somehow become involved in a land war between a wannabe knight and one of the swordsmen present at Marty’s earlier gunfight.

Hilarity ensues, and comes to a crescendo as Doc and Marty are dragged behind a team of horses, and off into the night. They are burned at the stake (as witches) 13 days later.

 

Draft 3

After waking up battered and bloody in the bleachers at Dodger Stadium, Marty and Doc decide to travel back in time and change the outcome of the game because as Doc put it, “I’m out of a shitload of dough!”

As Doc polishes off another $12 beer, he continues, “Great Scott! Marty, we need to go back to yesterday and make sure the opposing pitcher meets with a horrible accident. Do you still have any crack on you?”

Marty nods in agreement, and they slowly make their way back to the DeLorean in the parking lot.

As Doc is still a bit loopy from a fist fight in the bleachers, he miscalculates the time travel settings and while they travel back exactly one day, the DeLorean materializes inside one of the bathroom walls in the stadium, killing them instantly.

Now you know why certain liberties are taken with time travel scenarios in books, TV, and movies.

FADE OUT

Written by stevemargolis

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