Why should you purchase the Toaster Oven Mocks Me?

Here's six great reasons:


Makes a handy doorstop.

Low-Cost Entertainment

Cheaper than a movie and your shoes don’t get sticky. Usually.


Better than sleeping pills. You’ll be out by page six. And probably bleeding from the ears as well.


Paperback version can be used as a flotation device. 


Read about me and instantly feel better about yourself!


Way better than than ordinary, one-ply toilet paper. 

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Steve Margolis

Hello. Welcome to my bio.

Yeah, I know. You’ve read one sentence and you’re already bored. Join the club. I wrote this page at 3 AM in a Taco Bell parking lot. Outside of the bathroom, it’s where I do my best work.

I’m guessing you reached my website by accident. No problem. Nobody comes here of their own volition. Usually a visit here requires copious amounts of alcohol, class 5 pharmaceuticals, or some type of court-ordered restitution. Occasionally, malfunctioning Russian-bots will send users to my site. It’s all good.

If you don’t want to be here, simply go back to Google, and do a search for someone with talent, like JK Rowling or James Patterson.

Wow! Still here? You’re quite the glutton for punishment.

Ok then. Here’s a little about me: I’m old, fat, and marginally talented. And while this does qualify me, even entitle me, to my own sitcom on ABC, I have so far declined all offers.

Most of my lunch meetings with the movers and shakers in the entertainment industry have rarely progressed beyond the first course, and I’m usually left paying the check. Thank goodness for dollar-menus.

So, if you crave disappointment, you’ve come to the right place.

At stevemargolis.com, second-rate is a way of life.

Introducing The Timelink Series

The job title “theoretical physicist” conjures up images of old men, disheveled hair, and brown orthopedic shoes. Professor Steve West though, is different. With his cinematic good looks, genius IQ, and obsession with history, it’s easy to understand why the federal government chose him to lead their top-secret time travel project, which for some unknown reason boasts a four-star review on Yelp.

But a fanatic will soon alter the space-time continuum, and change the history of a nation forever. A villain so self-centered that he writes checks in the supermarket and wears white after Labor Day. Now, it’s up to Steve West and his team to track this villain down, bring him to justice, and restore temporal equilibrium, all before the breakfast burritos kick in. Can they pull it off?